It’s a little late in the day to celebrate, but we couldn’t let David Caruso Day pass by without honouring it.
Today, September 22nd, has been the official day to celebrate CSI: Miami’s stoic, red-haired hero. There are official rules (below) for celebrating the man, the myth, and mystery, but your first order of business should be to pick a your favourite one-liner from this hilarious, exhaustive, and endless compilation of Horatio’s (un)questionably ‘finest’ moments.
Monday, the start of the seventh glorious season of “CSI: Miami,” we have declared David Caruso Day — a 24-hour tribute to the most underappreciated thespian in the primetime firmament. It’s something like that National Talk Like a Pirate Day — which, in one of those incredible coincidences that makes covering TV such a paranormal experience, is today!
On David Caruso Day you don’t have wear an eye patch or say “Aargh!” all day long. Instead, you get to hiss pithy, mockable one-liners while leering over the top of your Maui Jim’s, and generally muck about like an actor who, early in his career may have gotten to fill in for the lead role of Jean Valjean in “Les Miserables” on Broadway for six months, but who is coming to the realization the defining role of his career is a vocabulary-challenged cop saddled with the name Horatio.
Here are the official rules of engagement.
[T]he OFFICIAL DAVID CARUSO DAY RULES:
- Maui Jim sunglasses must be worn all day. Outfit should ideally also include a dark expensive suit (Armani for verisimilitude), dress shirt, no tie, badge, and a Hummer for transportation. When speaking, head must be cocked to one side, hands on hips (aka Caruso Handles).
- If you are using more than 10 words in a sentence while speaking, you are doing it wrong.
- The more the mundane the spoken sentence, the more it must be delivered with the slit-eyed intensity of a man who has just cornered John Dillinger — or, if you prefer, the slit-eyed intensity of Laurence Olivier as Heathcliff. The goal here is to make William Shatner look well-modulated. Less mundane sentences spoken in the course of the day (example: “Boss, you can take this job and shove it.”) may be delivered with only a pseudo-grim look.
- When calling someone by name in a conversation, participants must follow that person’s name with an extremely pregnant pause. Example: “Frank (pause, pause, pause) it looks like the Xerox machine is broken again.” When the topic of conversation is very serious, the person must be addressed by their full name (“Francis” instead of Frank). Address women you work with as “Ms” followed by last name, never by their first name.
- At least 75 percent of statements made in the course of the day by participants must be delivered as a question. Example: “It’s … cold outside?”
- At least once per hour, you must open your cell phone abruptly, dial a number, tensely whisper terse instructions into the phone and slap the phone shut — before the call could possibly have connected to the person you dialed.
- When speaking to someone at length, you must first address the person’s feet, then slowly look up and, before making eye contact, look away, then walk out of the frame. Exception: It is acceptable to look a small child in the eye.
- Appear in places when you are least expected, especially to confront your nemesis, who is hopefully from another country, like Brazil. When your nemesis finally spots you, smirk, call out his/her name, say you are coming to get him or her, then immediately disappear.